Okay.... So I'm still missing relationships. Notes on The Perfect Partner.

I think that finding the perfect partner is about
first learning to be the perfect partner... even
without one.

I'd have to say that I'm probably the most optimistic
that I've been all my life about the prospect of
sharing life with someone. Namely because I'm having
one of the greatest relationship "vacations" ever
(going on 3 years). Yeah, for some of you that's
nothing, but here's the context. I'm one of those cats
who loves to be in love. I spent the late part of my
teens through most of my 20s being a serial
monogamist... but after some very painful break-ups
(all minimized as such cuz I'm not the weeping type)
I've taken some time to re-evaluate my issues, my
expectations, the choices I've made when considering
being involved with black men.

When I've fallen, I fall hard. I'm the kind of brotha
that can't imagine being in love with a brotha and not
wanting my mama and the whole world to know it. It's
kinda complicated being a hip hop/poetry boho
basketball fag with as many straight friends as gay
ones and dating in this culture where black gay
masculinity is so perversely aligned with DL. Being
masculine doesn't make you DL. You don't HAVE to hide
it, you CHOOSE to (and sometimes for good reason, so
no hating there). All that to say...

I think that my next partner will emerge from a number
of the men I've met over the past few years who have
been consistent, warm, sometimes sexual, sometimes
not, honest in ways we're conditioned not to be,
exploratory in terms of their notions of what a
relationship between two people can involve (e.g.,
other people, children, etc...). Most importantly,
loving me won't be the shield that protects him from
more deep seated self-esteem issues. I have been the
psychoanalysit hubby before who helps my partner come
to "vast realizations" about his life and experience
"immense personal growth". I became revered. it made
me less sexy. damn intense and spiritual... but not
the exciting cat with the mean mugg in the club he
pleaded with to smile.

We don't arrive perfect, but we can at least have a
sense of what our issues are and be in process. I
think it's sexy for man to be real in that way. I
have met very few who bear their souls without the
fear of rejection. many of us hide behind templates
for relationships that were never intended for black
men who love each other in the first place. I dare to
venture beyond those confines to a deeper, spiritual
sharing... but it's not about making somebody feel
warm-fuzzy. It's about safety. It's revealing who I
really am... and not holding back for fear of losing
someone. it's about being too busy trying to love
dude that it hasn't occured to me that i might lose
him. And i have before... in that same way. But i
wouldn't do it any differently. so sometimes I'm too
out, or too poz, or too social, or too struggling
artist for some brothas looking for their Huxtabellian
relationship... and I've been there and done that, so
I'm cool.

I'd pretty much been in jaded space for some time...
and it's been a little off-putting when I've met
brothas in DC who are like "all you need is a brotha
who gone love you right" (as if I've never heard that
before or missed the pickup line in cheesy
Blaxploitation sitcom). They are seriously on some
instant lover shit like it's instant oatmeal. So I
back back to working on nurturing the friendships i
have with black men. Most are platonic, some are a
little more. I realized that I'd fallen in love with
men I didn't particularly like. I realized that
sexual chemistry can not alone keep a relationship
going. And i begin to be real about my needs for
intimacy and affection. If I'm feeling lonely, it
doesn't mean I want a relationship... maybe just a
cuddle or some company. I have friends who I can get
that from... (and then some, with some). I've found
that a man who is a good friend to his friends will
more likely be a good lover... and one with few
friends, or who "can't stand" every other person at
the damn club... I'm scurred of them...

Okay.... before the monogamy/"we're just like straight
people, just gay" zealots come out of the batcave with
that ridiculous argument and call me ho ho ho, like
it's Christmas Eve, consider this: I'm on the verge
of turning 33, well-educated, half-way attractive,
POZ, out of the closet, and a damn beast in the
bedroom..., praise Jebus. none of those are changing
anytime soon and some are essential to who I am. So
am I concerned about growing old and single? No.
While I have my moments now when I miss the focus and
clarity sometimes provided with a life-partner (i'm
damn good alone, even better when a brotha's lookin
out for me), I've found a certain peace of mind and
spirit in just doing me... and knowing that when he
comes, I'll know. He won't read off his resume or
boast about how much better he gone be that I've ever
experienced, he'll reciprocate a warmth and patience
that says "yeah, I'm willing to take time with this,
I'm a little anxious too; but damnit, we're both
falling, and I'm willing to float under this parachute
as long as you'll let me" (the proverbial parachute
is: context, timing, moment, chemistry, and emotional
safety granted to those patient enough to have it
appear. it takes time to build a parachute you can
trust will keep you safe in the fall).

I know. It sounds more warm-fuzzy than me on hip hop
stages or basketball courts (grrrrr. don't tell my
homies, yo.). but deep down, I want it again... and i
think I'll have it too... and it won't be scary. no
more fear-based love for me. it'll be easy because
there's nothing that makes me more proud than sharing
my life with him and knowing I'm getting a damn good
deal too. it'll be a love grounded in freedom not
restriction. no room for jealousy. I'll long to love
all that he wants to be an do, inasmuch as he returns
the same. It's a concept called "compersion"...
pretty interesting if you google it. I think it was
used in the batman movie and I plan to go back to see
if I heard it right (plus, it was a damn good BATMAN).
Allright, Tim'm... .shut up!

(now if i could only believe what i write beyond the
writing of it. There's this notion in philosophy
called interpellation where the thing itself becomes
actualized because it was spoken, claimed. black
grandmas would just say "claim it"... like saying "I
do", and really meaning it. So I'm claiming it...
there's just no urgency. It'll be damn good and more
lasting than those times before, so I welcome his
patience in showing up for me, and letting me reveal
myself.

(verklempt. grrrrrr. butch it up, nukka).

peace.


tim'm
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