I met someone this weekend and there's a pain in my chest that won't go away. I always seem to get stuck there, only to get cold feet or see a red flag, whichever comes first. at present, I'm just hoping to hear from him again today.
so I never reported back about the shows in Chicago. Much love there... I did a Black Pride Conference Workshop, a poetry SLAM (judge and performer), a park festival, and brought my "Front Porch" event to Chicago's Spoken Word Cafe. Time with my boy Ernest (ATL) was nice, though I sense at this point that he has interpreted it differently. I suppose it's better to sort this kind of thing out early in the exploration rather than later. no hard feelings. we are who we be; and I've no apologies about being me. He's a good guy. I'm happy for the time there we shared.
Also hung out with some okayplayers "in the life" in Chi:
www.okayplayer.com
ahmsofunky, sonjevity, tyler madison, unique1ne, and some other fly peeps from Lalah Hathaway's PANK room, like Dreadlock, DMoSoul, Controversy, and NewKeith. I'm so fortunate to meet some of the people I do... and, more than this, have them respect the legacy I'm building, word by word.
so then i returned to DC...and it's sort of weird. I started a new job teaching at Cesar Chavez High School for Public Policy it seems hours after I returned from Chi (July 4th, bombs bursting in air, and ain't I proud to be an American?! yeah, yeah, yeah).
The school seems pretty cool:
www.cesarchavezhs.org
It's a professional shift in many ways, but it's where my heart is. It's also a pay cut, but I really enjoy it. I don't think i would have accepted any of the jobs I've had if it was only about money. I'm glad for people like us with "madd" ability but who sometimes choose unpaved paths where lost souls require our guidance to build their bridges and pathways. It ain't a breeze. I've been having some difficulty adjusting to the early mornings, because I'm a night owl (6+ years of graduate school will do that)... so it's terribly hard for me to go to bed early... I stress about not being sleepy and then that makes it worse. But I'm excited about greeting the students and opening their minds and hearts to especially their own brilliance. My sense is that the expectations for these students are low; and I honestly have some (racialized) concerns about that... but I push my students, and most of them are really rising to the challenge or exceeding it. I think they know that I'm fun guy, but expect a lot. It's a good place for me now.
It's funny how just a week into teaching the word "fag" flies out of somebody's mouth, and you're in that position of bursting the closet door at school. I didn't "come out", I just offered a lesson on the origins of the term and the bigotry that compliments it. My students don't know I'm gay (unless they're reading my blog or website. LOL) and there's been plenty of evidence of this: "Mr. West... you're such a sensitive, good guy. The womyn must be crazy about you." Mr. West "that's cool that you don't hate gay people". Lil man felt horrible and apologized to the class. He didn't mean any harm. Some would have sent him to the detention with no real engagement of the incognizance of his slip; and the word was targeted at no one.
Yes, it's Mr. West. The tough-guy, sensitive teacher with the bleeding he-art. The womyn are crazy about me... and so are lots of the guys. LOL. I'm sure I'll cross that bridge soon. I'm a better teacher when I'm "out", but don't care to "prompt" the conversation or make it an "issue" worthy of discussion. It's simply a fact of who I am... and if and when the right conversation arrives, I'll deal with it appropriately and professionally.
so my birthday was actually Wednesday (almost a week ago), and because people knew I was celebrating it at the July Front Porch (July 7th), it turned out to be a rather depressing and uneventful day. I waited at home for somebody to actually call and drag me out of the house (a movie, a drink, somethin).... and no one did... at least no one who I expected or wanted to call. Sometimes I can be oddly passive/aggressive about my desire for good/loving company. My Oakland people know this, so a few good hours with no contact and them nukkas gone be banging on my door. LOL. I miss that. I miss being missed with that level of urgency.
Lately I've been wanting more substantive, quality contact.... or prefer to be alone altogether. I like my time alone.... but the relationship bugg is biting as strong as ever. I desire the consistency of a voice that I believe has my best interests at heart... and without condition. I'm open to that now... but once and again i meet a cutie, and the red flag goes a waving.... and I run back inside my shell and say.... "oh, hells no!" I don't want anything (again) if it doesn't feel good. Why do people who want to be involved thrive on things like guilt, manipulation, shame, and drama? Sorry... it's just not the way I wanna do things anymore. I believe that things can be happy, supportive, communicative, and with mutual understanding and trust in people's intentions (even or especially where words or actions fail..... because they almost always do... and I want a love that respects my intentions).
so..... in other, mushy, platonic-friend news, my boy Derrick Stubberfield had a little birthday gathering for me on Saturday (July 9th). It's nice to spend time around people who you don't necessarily see as often as you'd like, but whose friendship purely shows evidence of its rootedness. We could have been at a mall in Durham as college boyz, were it not for my amassing frame and daddy embellishments. D. hasn't changed a bit... and that's a good thing. It was good that Cenzo and Chad came through... and another special someone too, though I was honestly faced with the uncomfortable reality that some affections I have will always remain unrequited. I wondered what that does to the heart, if you hang on for too long. Is it like Hughes' dream deferred? I want wine these days, not raisins. I want the sweet stuff that is the reward of my time, patience, and integrity; not the quick fix sweetness the armored knight provides-- his fleeting presence a mere reminder of the perverse inadequacy of his absence. I want the stuff that sticks and that I think about all day... and that gives me focus in both work and play. I want the perfect timing the cosmos will provide, when I'll ask him out for a simple meal... and give in to the ghosts of the poems I romance... and open up enough to ask "can I see, speak, share some air with you tomorrow, or the next day? can I call you to say goodnight or good morning?".... And when it happens I think I'll cry... and be okay about that.
the thought alone, nearly brings me to tears. cuz it's been years... and I've been through some shit i haven't had the courage to talk about. and some who I've loved the most might suggest that I didn't love hard at all...
nonetheless, there's somethign about this present, this cancerian season that is giving me courage to imagine I have wings for this jump...
and fall.
ya'll will all know when I have. I have never been able to keep good love a secret. and I've been quiet, except for the muse of a possibility here or there, for too long.
it's time. and I'm claiming it to the universe.
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2 comments:
*sigh* so much so say...not enough space.
ill email you tonite..but know that you aren't the only one experiencing this...not all "big brother"
sounds like you've got a lot of things going around and all over the place and that's good. good for hanging out with the okayplayers, the new job, etc.
it's this time of the month when our birthays are really introspective and can bring you down. i know when you feel like you SHOULD be alone, but your heart doesn't want you to be. let it play on out. glad at least you wrote it out, you know?
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