i recently found out from my pops that my aunt keeps stirring up my moms emotions by reminding her that I'm going to hell, if they don't get me to convert back to womyn. In all honestly, I'm too old and tired of this (came out at 17, I'm 33). My mom, being the "good Christian" woman she is, loves her son, so wouldn't say a word about this to me.... My mom asked my dad if he could help me change... to which my dad responded... "you have a perfect son who is the way god meant him to be". my father is a minister.
I don't know that I can deal with this familial pity. (interestingly, it only comes from the women in my family. My pops and brothers are, surprisingly, cool as icebergs (we talk about my current relationship, they ask questions, they offer support, they insist on building a relationship with guys I develop a serious interest in... we can all hang out. it's cool.
but the womyn... they're only cool when I'm single and unattached. I guess, in their minds, I'm not "sinning" if it's not active. They've gone as far as to ask me not to come home if with my partner (in the past); and the one time I did, several of the womyn wouldn't shake his hand... one dashed the home with holy water (or something) after. As ridiculous as this may seem to some, ITS INCREDIBLY HURTFUL to experience.
there just comes a point when its not okay to agree to disagree... in particular, when the very fabric of who you are and how you envision your life (with a partner, potentially children, etc...) is seen as an inherent, irreversable, embarrasing flaw/demon/abberation. How am I "shaming" my family because I choose to live honestly? And we wonder why people are DL... If I could do it again, sometimes I wonder.
we've had the conversations before... but I'm just tired of being tired of it now. I want to maintain a realtionship with them, but if they refuse to know who I am, fully, then what's the use? I'm not the 17 year old who left home for college 16 years ago.
Most recently, word got back to me that I was "shaming" the family because of how open I have been in my writing and music about my sexuality, my HIV status, etc...
Just yesterday in NC, I had a great time with my siblings..... and when I'm with the family, we can sing and act a fool and all is cool. But there's a very painful, hurtful gap there... I want more with my family than nostalgic memories. I want a relationship, in particular with the women in my family, where we can deal honestly with my PRESENT. I'm not saying they gotta like it.... I just want them to stop praying and wishing for me to change. It essentially feels like them sayin... "we love everything about you, except (him/that)..." 6 years ago I was given a year if I didn't get on supermeds for HIV. I decided then that to continue to supress me, for peace sake, was no kind of peace at all.
and the love the sinner (and who ain't?) hate the sin (which is?)....
it just don't work for me anymore. My father is a minister in Richmond, VA. who believes in a compassionate, loving ministry that accepts everyone unconditionally. He gets ridiculed for it, but i think it's a way he honors his struggles to see me as the same good black man he raised, even though I aspire a life partnership with a guy.
maybe I'm just asking for a little encouragement. Should I explain to my mother how this makes me feel? I think my one particular womyn in my family is a lesbian who has sacrificed her "life" to live a "good Christian" life... and expects everyone else to. She's vehement and unrelenting about this. I was hospitalized for depression in 2001 after a series of "this is what hell looks like" pamphelts sent me over the edge (and this after a breakup). I don't disrespect her decision to deal with it the way she choses, but to expect the same from me.... and to constantly keep stuff going with family who are struggling to try to accept and love me.... it's really awful.
if i didn't love these women, it wouldn't matter.... but i do.
forgive the rant.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
my beloved one, your words always bring me face to face with TRUTH and spark a truth telling of my own. in this moment, what i can offer is an affirmation and space upon the altar of my heart and soul that simply gives thanks in advance for divine healing and harmony in your family and relationships with the womyn in your family. i stand committed to the truth that all things are being healed and made whole NOW. i see you all manifesting the love that Spirit breathed inside each of your spirits. i see a way being made where you are able to live your life authentically and they are able to live their lives authentically. i see you all respecting each other for who you really are. i see peace. i see you all allowing Spirit to dictate the flow of your interactions. And I call it all good. I give thanks. Know that i am always affirming your highest and greatest good ... and your family's highest and greatest good.
love and light, your dc sistalove in spirit... ananda
Tim'm. Ditto ananda. Don't make the shortcomings of anyone else your own. Each of us must give a final account of our words, deeds and actions. The womyn who feel you are shamin the family and should lead a DL life are the ones who need to pray, repent and be redeemed. Know that even as your father and brothers love you unconditionally, so does your heavenly father. Your mother is under pressure by these aunts. Pray that she will be grounded in the grace of the Almighty such that the gates of hell cannot prevail against her. Your aunts are the victims of a religious philosophy that deprives them of the true gift of Jesus Christ and that is the knowledge that we are all created in the image of God and loved by him. You keep that in mind. Know in your deepest being that neither family nor friends can separate you from the love of God. I pray for your physical and spiritual well-being. Shem hotep and don't forget to get in touch with me when you pass this way.
Your first two friends were very affirming, so I'm gonna go the other way.
Call that evil spirit and go OFF on her.
Then call your mama and tell her you did it.
it's always amazing how so many black folks are willing to damn so hell, cherry-pick w/ the Bible and think they are doing it all "in the name of goodness" - stay strong bruh, but i know you already are!
One of these days we will come into an understanding of the importance of context. The loving womyn in your life and I do believe they love you refuse to accept that the context in which you live is different than what they have come to accept as normal.
The only way any of can grow closer to one another is to learn how to thrive in context, even when it conflicts with others.
Perhaps one way to get them to understand context is to decline invitations when you are not allowed to bring your friend and partner around.
Post a Comment